Un-f-ing-believable!!!!

Hi everyone,

if anyone is even out there reading this,

I am having yet another suck-filled day. While I feel much better physically, I am having a serious downer. I'm sure nobody wants to here about my day, but I kinda have nowhere else to vent to so, I apologize deeply for the pity party.

So I am trying to adjust to the 3 less hours of work a day. After my medical and dental benefits take their chunk out of my pay, I make approximately 150 bucks a week. Scrumptious!!!! My last paycheck didn't even cover groceries. Wonderful. So although it's a nice break and I can catch up on my workouts and house work, the pay is so much nicer. But hey, the store has to make quota for hours per purchase or something like that. Of course, I'm not the only one hurting in the store. Some of the others that work in my time slot have take on their 2ND, 3rd, and even 4Th jobs to cover bills. We are all a bit unhappy right now. So if you are thinking about purchasing a book from a bookstore, be kind to the employees. We are all hurting right now.

Today marked the sixth week of our bathroom dilemma. Yep, no word from the guy doing our bathroom, a licensed contractor for the state of MA over the weekend. Today, he calls Hubby up to come over to work on the bathroom some time around 4pm. Yeah, not happening, Asshole. Shut down! You're FIRED, bitch!!! It's about goddamn time too. So after extorting us for approximately 1700 bucks plus materials, we have a bathroom that pretty much has to be re-gutted and started over again; minus the insulated walls, er, sheet rock. His demolition totally ruined our tub which we were planning to resurface. Now, we have to get a new tube. Not to mention our wood floors in the hallway need magic to get them beautiful again. The destruction is all over our house. Dust, dirt, wall fragments, metal pipes, nails, paint splotches, Auuuugghhh!!!! So yeah, we had the office contractor and his tile guy come over to give us estimates ( the guy we should have used from the get go.) Another at least 1200 bucks not including materials. I'm done. I don't think I can go through any more fucking rehab right now, but of course, our bathroom is inoperable, so don't have much of a choice. It' s gotta get done. So where in the hell are we getting the money for this? Dance with the devil. Remember, the devil don't change, you do.

So let's see: Lost 15 hours a week, extra $200 for Tribute payment, extra $180 for mortgage, $1200 plus materials ( between $300-$500) for bathroom, need $600 for to hold spot in Massage therapy school ASAP. Pff, as Strong Bad would say as he lifts his boxer gloved hands to expose the double deuces. (http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html ) You have to check this out. Guys on my base in Tal Afar, IZ got me into this, and I love it!!!

So I don't know where it's going for me at this point. I'm so mad at myself for not being better off when I got out of the Army. I'm even madder that I didn't just say "Fuck it," and just went to Massage school without discussing it with Hubby. I just feel like I'm one of those paid actors ( without the pay) in a Devry Institute commercial. Stuck in civilian life limbo. I am just trapped it seems, I don't make enough to try to do better, and the more I work harder, the less gets accomplished. I can officially say, I think I am the most miserable I have ever been since I got to Massachusetts. I guess because it's been over a year and I see this sick pattern. Things get better, we do okay and even fine, and then when we breathe a sigh of relief the bottom drops out of the sky and we are in the middle of a field with no umbrella or cover. Out there just waiting for lightning to strike again and again.

The sick part is I don't think anyone here even gives a shit. Well, I know they don't. Civilian life tends to be a little more heartless than military. Hey, people get back stabbed in Wal-mart and Quicki marts. You know it's cut throat at that point. Even harder to except is among all of this added stress is my in-laws are taking yet another quarterly vacation.

So here is where Yokai gets to be herself and not hidden within the deep layers of caution of her alter ego. Yokai doesn't care if people go on vacation. That's fine and dandy. Wonderful, splendid, peace be with you have a nice freaking trip. Yokai hates when people go on vacation and have an excuse for it. The trip to New Orleans was pulled out of nowhere. Spur of the moment, if you will. Cool, but using the line, "She doesn't have much time left so we are going where ever she wants, when she wants," bothers me. A little bit of reality: we are all dying. Do any of us truly know when the bell will toll for us? Who can say that this is the last breath, or that one will expire in his or her sleep at 3:15am, 23 March 2014? Or how about much worse things, the people that kiss their families goodbye for the day at 8 am, and never return home? I don't like the dying thing as a reason. It bothers me. I think what truly bothered me more is that when asked if they needed any advise or sights to see, it was blown off. Keep in mind, these are the people that know absolutely nothing about my life. Nothing of my background, upbringing, hopes, aspirations, goals, or fears. People I work with now that have only known me for five months know more about me. Whatever.

So, I feel somewhat better. If you made it through all this, I'm glad you stuck with me. It makes me feel better to know someone out there can here my inner thoughts that are begging to be heard. Thanks a lot and good night.

Here's my send off:

We can never obtain peace
in the outer world until we
make peace with ourselves.

--Dalai Lama

Lady Yokai