Hello all my friends,
I have made it to my 29Th birthday. Of course, also to the end of 2006. We end this year with many things. The democrats taking the majority of congress, the deaths of James Brown, Gerald Ford, and Saddam Hussein, and me getting a year older. What a way to go 2006.
Today, I spend my time trying to tidy my house. It's a wreck. I have nothing planned for the day. I am baking my own birthday cake. Yeah. Hubby didn't plain anything for me today. Don't be too upset with him. I told him the only thing I wanted was phase two of my back piece. Of course he just had to put his foot in his mouth by saying the 254 dollar sink top I wanted for the bathroom was also my gift. Really. Especially since I compromised on everything for the bathroom, and even though we could have ordered every thing we wanted for it, I went along with his hurry up and get frenzy because the bathroom was gonna be done 3 weeks ago. Well, I think maybe even 4 now. So, I think the $254 dollar special order sink top that will be in in approximately 3 weeks is enough payback for the bathroom fiasco.
Wow. I'm not at all bitter about my bathroom.
I'm not at all bitter about 2006.
Today, I would like to reflect on my year. 1 Jan 2006, I became a civilian. For the first time in 5 1/2 years. My life was kinda my own. I was super psyched. I had so many aspirations. And then I began unemployment. Money was good, but it kinda depressed me because I had no qualifications for any job. So as the unemployment money dwindled away, I began to think maybe getting out was not the best idea. Hubby was grateful for it. He was I guess happy that I was home doing the "little wifey" thing. But, I felt empty. Worthless. Pathetic. I acquired 3 more cats and I had an instant little family. My babies kept/keep me on my toes. The brought light into the dank and dark world of Yokai. Yes. Dank and dark. While trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel , I developed panic attacks in large crowds (which I still get. Some not so bad and others well, let's just say those are my spectacular moments). A VA head doc told me it was PTSD. I still feel people watching and waiting for me, and sometimes my anxiety is a bit more than I can handle.
Needless to say, I got 60% disability from VA. So I'm dealing, but I still need to talk to someone. I'm working on that.
So being here in Mass hasn't helped. Especially being in Western Mass where everyone is liberal, well educated, and will spit on you faster than you could ever imagine. I still haven't made any friends. Maybe it's my new fear of others that keep me from that. Maybe I'm just an asshole. I dunno. I work in a bookstore where upper class, well educated people shop. Even more important everyone who works there is heading for something bigger and better. Me, I'm just stuck sitting on this stepping stone.
We couldn't afford for me to start Massage Therapy school in September. Real Estate was going well for Hubby. I don't think it still is. We don't say it, but if he hadn't been working at his Dad's company, the outlook for us would have been bleak. He puts in many hours and makes very little. He gets salary pay, but no benefits. I don't want to tell Hubby, but I don't think he is cut out for real estate. Then again, I could tell him, but I'm just the chic he married. What I say means very little. Now before you start thinking of him as a villain, he's not. I think he is a victim of his upbringing like the rest of us. Except his was not from a supportive and loving family. Well, maybe they express love differently. Mainly what I see from them is making the best of a really bad situation. I could be guessing. It's not like anyone would tell me if I was right or wrong. I'm probably gonna be disowned for typing this much. Dirty laundry should never be aired.
This is my blog. I type what I want. This is my therapy. If you are offended, challenge me and send me a comment.
With so little control in my life. I control this blog. As you can tell I'm not a fan of my in-laws neither are they a fan of me. I think I represent the outside world, and hence, I'm something not to be trusted or concerned about. I don't get told anything that has to do with the inner workings. I really don't know them as they don't know me. Unfortunately , it's gonna stay that way.
If I sound depressed today. Don't be in doubt, I am.
11:05pm EST
55 minutes until 2007.
I spent the evening with my in-laws. We went to Forest Park, and drove through the Bright Nights light show. It was cool. I wish the Christmas music would have been better. The rest of the evening, well, I'm still here at their house. It hasn't been bad. I've been watching them play the Nintendo Wii all night. I excused myself to finish up with this last entry for 2006. It has been a year. I would like to say some good byes to two people that left this world for great enlightenment :
Granny and Janelle Morrison. All though it seems that you have left us behind you have not. The greatest thing a person can do is to shed his or her mortal coil and dress themselves in spiritual ensembles. Beyond the plains of Earth is true enlightenment. Happy journey and see you when we too are ready to make the next leg of our path.
Happy New Years, my friends. Don't drink too much, but if you do, make damn sure your beverage is not named after a national disaster or a dictator.
Here is my last send off for 2006:
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Poem lyrics of Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.
Lady Yokai
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